Birthday Shenanigans! Also: Harlequin Romance Novels explained.

Warning: NSFW

Super long and drawn out, with sexually explicit material at the end.

Several things happened last weekend that I feel need to be written down, preserved for posterity.

1) The Wiredogs (nee The Hate), Post Paradise, and In The Whale played an amazeballs show at Road 34. I invited pretty much everyone I could because I was already a huge PP and ITW fan, and now I'm a huge Wiredogs fan as well. As it was a birthday celebration of sorts, I was happy to see so many of my friends make it out to share in the Shenaniganstravaganza. I screamed so loud for so long, I was convinced that my sore throat on Monday was just an injury from Saturday, and I was totally okay with that. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a chest cold creeping in. Fortunately I now have a death rattle to rival Bill Murray's in Zombieland.

2) Before the show at Road, a large group of my friends gathered at Jaws Sushi (conveniently located right next door to Road 34) for a dinner with old friends, new friends, old stories, new stories, and some goddamn delicious maki.

One new story and one old story in particular come to mind. My friend Fady had been planning to dine with us, but had been called in to work earlier than anticipated. On his way, tho, he made it a point to stop by and hand me a gift bag. It was neither necessary nor expected of him to actually get me something, but he felt the need to do something nice and I very much appreciate that.

Opening the tiny, pink gift bag replete with flowers and glittery butterflies, I found a very fitting birthday card. It shows a small boy of about 6 standing in the corner, obviously being punished, with a thought bubble that says "It was totally worth it." Inside is an admonition not to behave myself because it is, after all, my birthday. I don't think I could have picked a more fitting card if I'd had to.

Buried under the card was a book. A very specific kind of book. A Harlequin romance novel. More specifically, Hot In Here by Lori Foster. G'head. Click the link. Browse a few pages. I'll wait.

Now that your Amazon search history is as tainted as mine...

The whole incident reminded me of something that happened several years ago. My good friend and roommate at the time Tim was on his way to my birthday party when he realized he hadn't gotten me anything. Stopping by the local Hannaford to grab a 12 pack, he made a quick detour through the book and magazine aisle and grabbed the book with the trashiest, most "oh my god, that's horrible" cover he could find: Viking Warrior by Connie Mason.

Purely out of spite, I read the whole thing.

Not even a legit Harlequin-brand romance novel, this one is from Leisure Historical Fiction and tells the story of a viking warrior (No... really?!) whose wife and child are killed by Danish raiders. Shortly thereafter, his brother makes a gift of a beautiful Danish healer to be his bed slave. Blah blah blah, romance develops, sword fights, more raids, etc, etc, etc.

The only thing that makes this story even remotely memorable is that at one point it crystallized for me exactly why so many women are enthralled by these books. One passage in particular made me laugh out loud so long and hard that Tim had to come see just what was so damn funny.

Let me paint the picture for you: they're in her family's village. While the men-folk are all out hunting, Wulf, the titular viking warrior, who is currently being held for ransom, has helped fend off an attack by slavers who (spoilers!) are the same ones who killed his wife. He has been granted his freedom and is to be returned home on the morrow. Sensing that this may be their last chance to get in a little sexy time, he runs the idea past her. They sneak into the stillroom and things get hot and heavy. From pages 200-202:

    She clung to him sweetly, wildly, yielding her heart and soul to him, if only for this one night. Making love with Wulf might mean nothing to him but sex, but it meant a great deal more to Reyna. Their mouths were still joined as he slowly undressed her, his large hands roving over her body. Then he laid her down on the bed of furs.
   Reyna felt his loss when he left her to remove his own clothing. Her gaze roamed over him slowly, checking his body for bruises or wounds sustained in the raid. She saw a few minor cuts already healing and a large bruise on his left hip. When he knelt on the pallet, she caressed his bruised hip.
   He trembled beneath her touch. Her hand slid down his thigh. He grew hard as a rock. Her gaze moved to his erection; her fingers followed. He groaned. Her touch was pure torture. When her fingers slid up and down his sex, he jerked and cried out.
   A wildness seized them both. Her hands were everywhere on him, caressing, grasping. His mouth devoured her, laving her breasts with his tongue, suckling her nipples. He kissed his way down her body. She writhed, grasping his head. He stroked into her cleft and caressed the sensitive petals. She raised her hips to meet his touch.
   Then he lifted her legs to his shoulders and lost himself in the musky sweetness of her scent. She writhed, she cried out, arching into each flick of his tongue. Then suddenly she grasped his shoulders and pushed him away. Startled, he gazed up at her, his lips glistening with the evidence of her arousal.
   "Lie down," she whispered. "I want to taste you."
   Wulf's heart began to pound. Did she mean what he thought she meant? Eager to find out, he stretched out on the furs and waited, his breath locked in his chest. She gazed at him a long moment before her tongue flicked out, lapping up a dewy pearl at the tip of his sex. Wulf nearly jumped out of his skin.
   Reyna reared back. "Am I hurting you?"
   "Nay, do not stop."
   His words spurred her on. She grew more aggressive, taking him fully into her mouth as her questing fingers sought the sacs below and squeezed them. Somehow he found the strength to watch her. Her pale hair, spread out over his stomach and thighs made the muscles of his stomach clench. Then his thoughts shattered as she licked down the rigid length of his cock and back over the tip.
   Several heartbeats later, Wulf could take no more. "Enough!" He barely got the word out. Grasping her waist, he dragged her on top of him, spread her thighs to straddle him and thrust upward, impaling her. He watched her closely. Her eyes sparkled like emeralds, full of mysterious facets and sparks in the flickering firelight.
   Lust roiled through Wulf. He was hot, so very hot. He couldn't think beyond satisfying the painful demand of his loins. He withdrew nearly all the way. Reyna made a mew of protest. He thrust again, hard and deep. Her breasts, lush and swollen, rose and fell provocatively before his face. He caught a nipple in his mouth. Reyna was his; no other man deserved her. The thought that Ragnar might have the right to bed this majestic woman made him furious. Could he stop the match? Would he?
   Wulf thrust wildly into her hot center, and then he reached down between them to rub her sensitive nub, already erect and throbbing. She rose and fell upon him unceasingly, taking him deep, her inner muscles caressing his rigid length.
   She rode him to ecstasy. When he felt her body spasm and begin its rise to glory, he pressed his fingers hard against the tight knot of flesh between her thighs and felt her body explode beneath his touch. Her climax set off his own. They came together, their cries filling the silence around them. A long time passed before Wulf lifted her off of him. When he turned his head to look into her sweet face, her eyes were closed and she was smiling.

Now that's all well and good. Aside from the apparently gigantic clitoris and her insistence on squeezing his ball sacs (plural, and no that's not a transcription error on my part), it's pretty straight forward up to this point.

What really kicks it over the edge from simple, graphic erotica into straight-up "lonely housewife porn" is the very next line.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

And with that, I'm spent. Good night!